Így néz ki az ember néhány órával öngyilkosság előtt

Kócos, lenőtt haj, mocskos, foltos ruhák, sminkeletlen, pattanásos arc, sápadt bőr, beesett, karikás szemek… – ugye előbb hinnénk, hogy egy ilyen ember az öngyilkosság szélén áll, mint azt, hogy egy tökéletes frizurájú és sminkű, kifogástalan öltözékű lány is megölheti magát?

Tw: talk of suicidal tendencies. . “You don’t look suicidal”… I remember these words coming from the Dr’s mouth right after I’d just told him that I was having thoughts of suicide. I remember in that moment my 14 year old self felt invalidation, dumb and embarrassed; something no one in that mindset should have to feel. I left feeling confused, what was I supposed to look like? A bottle of pills in one hand and a suicide note in the other? Those words nearly cost me my life, that judgment, those stupid stupid words. . I remember the night just last year that I spiralled and overdosed in my living room. I remember thinking to myself “I can’t get help, I don’t look suicidal, I don’t fit the bill, they’ll laugh at me”. I remember thinking I must have looked the part, must have been wearing the suicidal costume properly when I woke up in Resus as all around me were concerned, worried and sad faces. By then this could have been too late, i might not have been there to see those sad faces if my partner hadn’t of saved my life. . This, this is the danger of thinking mental health has a ‘face’,a ‘look’. This is how stigma, ignorance and judgement towards mental health/suicide affects those who are poorly. . In both these photos i’m suicidal, perhaps not in the same way but on both of these days I had suicidal thoughts racing around. . Stop the judgment. Stop the stigma.

Milly Smith ??☀️? (@selfloveclubb) által megosztott bejegyzés, 2017. Szept 3., 11:05 PDT

Milly Smith épp arra hívja fel a figyelmet, hogy a legmélyebb depresszió nem mindig látszik kívülről: sokszor a beteg az utolsó óráig tartja magát, még mosolyog is, és senki sem tud a benne dúló ellentétekről.

A bloggerlány persze tapasztalatból beszél: súlyos depresszióval küzdött, borderline személyiségzavara van, túl van egy sikertelen öngyilkossági kísérleten is. Ez előtt mindössze hét órával ő is tökéletesen festett pedig:

This photo was taken just 7 hours before I tried to take my own life for the 3rd time. This photo was taken in the morning, we went for a walk and for some food with Eli. We laughed and enjoyed our time. That evening I took an overdose that left me in hospital for a week. . I had no idea I’d try to take my own life in the morning, I was smiling and loved the way my hair looked hence the selfie. Having BPD (undiagnosed for so long because the NHS wouldn’t listen) means that my mood can switch to suicidal in seconds over the slightest trigger. . Suicidal isn’t just crying, for those with a troubled life and long build ups to breaking point, it’s also snap decisions made whilst your son sleeps in the same house and your loving partner kissed you goodnight hours before. . We need to learn how suicidal tendencies can present themselves beyond our ignorance to the topic. By listening and learning even the tiniest triggers/signs we can save lives. ❤️

Milly Smith ??☀️? (@selfloveclubb) által megosztott bejegyzés, 2017. Szept 20., 11:21 PDT

“Pedig nem is látszott rajta” – halljunk a legtöbbször, ha valaki öngyilkosságot kísérel meg. Hát igen, ez nincs mindig az ember homlokára írva, ezért érdemes odafigyelni egymásra…